20260424. honestly the "diary" page feels out-of-date. my previous websites contained emotional rants and vents and devil-knows-what-else i've written and forgotten. my 'mental health' (eww) is better than it used to be, or at least my emotions are less out of control. i think.
i still want a page, or a file, to collect my misc. thoughts, (todo) lists, reactions to things, and so on and so forth. so this page is a day-to-day log, sure, but not the mess i associate with a diary.
look forward to me still posting the same old shit...
20260610. found a bulky mirror on the side of the road. carried it to my home, which was a mile away. it wasn't particularly heavy; the dimensions were what made it a challenge. however, this mirror has a gorgeous frame. i wouldn't be surprised if it cost >$100 brand-new. (or more...the frame is semi-ornate. this was not made recently or bought off of amazon, that's for sure) for something i got for $0, it was more than worth it.
20260608. worked out this morning. someone said they'd pick up the item from the curb, and they did not. started reading the book of abramelin. 41hr into fasting at the time of writing this. kinda want to go for 72, but events tomorrow may interfere with this.
20260607. in a shocking turn of events, i worked out this morning. starting a two week challenge because i think i can commit to finishing it. tidied up my room. the lemon verbena has sprouted! the mums have kinda died though. read the runic magic book and found another one to work through.
20260604. started reading "liber null and psychonaut." trying the first exercise---motionlessness---and wondering if swallowing is a movement. overthinking. 2:38. ignoring most of the body was easy enough, but "try not to move your tongue" feels impossible. to what extent is it? made a cake, protein bars, and chai tea. reviewed runes; bookmarked a book on runic magic. made a video; ideas for several more.
20260603. started reviewing set theory for some reason. have learned the elder futhark, just need to keep reviewing it.
20260525. finished asatru for beginners + uploaded notes. cooking. embroidery. tidying the bookshelf. made the song lyric page. showered.
20260524. strongest craving for broccoli i've ever had. visited an arcade. took someone's offhand request for board game suggestions seriously. overstimulated and tired. no work tomorrow.
20260523. started reading "asatru for beginners." can't see myself being properly interested in heathenry, but the author is pointing out how it has less to do with a clear belief in norse gods, and is more about how to live life. might follow through with the literature he recommends, if only because i want to read SOME sort of primary source. very tired of reading books that aren't rooted in anything, or are vague references to some original text. gimmee the original.
todo tonight---watercolor, continue reading asatru.
check about arcade tomorrow.
20260522. freezer stash---chicken nuggets and pizza. i do not like this pizza, but i must eat it. at target and being annoyed with everything.
20260521. started reading sagittarius rising. cleaned out old roommates' stuff; kitchen and bathroom look so much cleaner. a bit of watercolor. todo---make matcha cake; while baking, wash all dishes and scrub kitchen. also tidy deck + check entry corridor + check on laundry area and make sure it doesn't look like shit. landlord is showing the place to someone today. later---i gotta tidy up my room too. close kitchen window before leaving for work.
finished cleaning all the stuff. made the wishlist/todo page too. made the matcha cake.
20260520. painting and writing. new books---sagittarius rising, by cecil lewis, and asatru for beginners, by mathias nordvic. washed dishes and dirtied more.
20260519. feels like i'm drowning. made brownies. watercolor.
20260518. watercolors, grocery list, planning for the week. finished, or got what i needed, from the vajrayana book. started tarot log. groceries, stir-fry. played "slay the princess." bought purple chrysanthemums from the grocery store. left some bell pepper seeds in water to see what happens.
20260517. cambridge---art museum, ramen, cafes. new roommate. planted lemon verbena. cooked the rest of the quinoa. watercolors. finished a spy in the house of love---well, i'm done reading the book, but i doubt i'm truly done with it. her prose is exquisite. submitted website to the internet phone book.
20260516. finished editing. now i can sleep in peace.
20260515. todo---write, read anais nin, plant lemon verbena; might go to the liquor store if i have the energy.
came home knowing it was time to finish pt1; completed filming, drank, ----, read, (wrote); will edit pt1 tomorrow. hooray, an end is near.
20260514. embroidered a boba cup on a shirt; the tiny thing took about an hour. todo---finish reading wild witchcraft and vajrayana. will type up notes once done. gotta clean up kitchen too. maybe shower.
planting to do: take home boxes for shelf. separate cilantro and scallions. plant lemon verbena in old pot. get pot from basement for kale. find soil for kale and tomatoes. maybe try to plant fennel. READ ABOUT HOW TO PLANT / GROW THESE SUCKERS CORRECTLY. MAKE THEM LIVE.
showered, cleaned kitchen, re-arranged boxes for plants, separate and cleaned up cilantro and scallions.
20260513. finished the god-damn embroidery. put it on the wall and cleaned up the mess.
20260512. swallowed anxiety and sent out the wifi bill.
20260511. finished ---. little reading or hobbying; so much writing.
20260510. new books: the apophenion, by peter j carroll; a spy in the house of love, by anais nin; a french dictionary and a french review book.
20260509. shoutout to libby's 'seriously cherry' canned fruit. my fave. remembered to make the lentil dish and clean the kitchen.
20260508. i was reluctant to buy 'wild witchcraft,' but purchased it because i must read something related to witchcraft. (the only other used magical book available was 'queering the tarot,' which i wasn't confident i'd ever reference. skimming it brought me to references to power structures, subjugation, etc...i'm sorry, but i don't find that useful). i think it's growing on me. many of her remedies are teas, and she has advice on which plants are easy to grow. perfect! genuinely what i'm looking for! now, to actually obtain seeds and grow plants...well, that's a different problem.
things to look out for---dried rose hips, lemon balm (to plant!),
tonight: focus on embroidery.
actually did: edited the scene i've been procrastinating on. also did the embroidery i meant to get done---i am still surprised by how much time it takes to do small sections. on the other hand, i swear i can see improvement.
from clusterfuck, by carlton mellick iii:
Dean Brockman had no idea he was a douchebag. You’d think it would’ve been obvious to him. He was a frat boy. Just that should have been enough to tip him off right there.
20260507. tonight: just fucking finish chapter 3.
made pumpkin cranberry muffins and a smoothie. dedicated a notebook to visiting cambridge on sunday (because something is wrong with me. these maps are going to get me lost...). remembered i have stickers. really need to take out the trash.
took out recycling. updated finances. round of appluase: i finally remembered to make sure the utilities account was set up. maybe now national grid will stop calling me... found some scallions i meant to regrow.
20260506. glancing at "a treasury of witchcraft." this is an encyclopedia-style work; there's short entries, primarily quotes from other works, about topics pertaining to witchcraft.
from the bookstore: four quartets (t. s. eliot), redemption (leon uris), wild witchcraft (rebecca beyer).
TOMORROW: cook lentil dish, have smoothie for b-fast, make caneles?, tidy room, READ, embroider!!!
20260505. embroidery.
20260504. caught up on dishes, took care of verizon account.
i want to go to gamestop and see if there's a used copy of animal crossing. the urge to curl up with my switch and play a cozy game is strong.
20260503. boston---checked out newbury street and was disappointed. the maxi skirts at uniqlo looked nice, but my legs are too short to actually wear them. muji was more of a win; the notebooks are so sleek. also bought salted caramel baumkuchen; light cake + layers was an interesting combination. all three anime-related stores were a bust. it seems like most people want figurines and small shit? trader joe's was a waste of time too. the bookstores i visited weren't for me. affordable used books are where it's at. garment district (closer to cambridge) WAS worthwhile. prices were in the $10-20 range. i picked up a skirt with a paisley pattern. i'd go there again. they also had some nice-looking new hats which were cheaper than comparable hats i'd seen online (but i wasn't ready to drop $30 on a new hat...yet). ended the day by checking out blank street coffee; the cherry matcha was fine. just fine. there was definitely a lot of sugar in it, the matcha was barely there...
TOMORROW: actually actually actually check the accounts. continue reading vajrayana (in morning). make chickpea yam dish. continue embroidery---i want to start on the flowers, but i fear continuing the bird would make more sense...
this weekend: stay local and work on film, or do the cambridge binge? i'm closing 3x, so maybe both is an option. however: i must finish another book before i buy more books.
20260502. tonight---chap 3 of vajrayana. try the sake; update cans page. work on embroidery. copy down directions for tomorrow. write up mori kei notes. in an ideal world, finish "doing our own thing" and reread part of hol. also need to check on wifi/utilities account setups... and watch more samurai champloo, start reading speaking of siva, look at graveyards....edit..........so much to do, and the time is never right.
done---re-planted cilantro with scallions. i wonder how this will go. worked on embroidery.
20260501. rum raisin ice cream. canned mai tai (disappointing) and a bottle of peach sake. from vajrayana chap2:
the idea is that we no longer consider what we do as the most significant. it is more a question of the way we do it.
'thighs and prayers' is nun smut. i read nun smut last night. wtf am i doing with my life. oh, oceanofpdf, what have you done to me?
20260429. nothing feels right today. clarification: my hands, wrists, and elbows are misbehaving. i say i need to stretch more. i hope that's all it is. today---embroidery is frustrating and unenjoyable. i must learn to be content with it. an exercise in patience and learning an elementary skill will do wonders for me. i broke a needle. an error in the amazon package---while i ordered a single can of coffee, for $2.50, i was sent a package of a dozen. i was not charged for a dozen cans. there was no option to order a dozen cans. i am amused, and appreciative, and uncertain. these dozen coffee cans would've cost me about as much as the order itself, thus off-setting the cost.
took care of grocery shopping and wifi thing. eggs for breakfast. i don't like the mango-chili-lime "harvest snaps." i prefer the sea-salt ones. found a trail to investigate on sunday.
tomorrow---stretch everything. read. try to do some more embroidery. edit the fucking video. leave for work at 2:30. breathe; do not think about murder. give an extra can of coffee to ---, or at least leave it in the fridge for him.
garlic is a bitch.
20260428. wifi call 6:15 tomorrow. made cranberry white chocolate oatmeal cookies. leftover coconut rolls---"reminds me of a traditional cambodian desert, some sort of mochi." (k)need to make more bread. nothing beats the texture of fresh bread. groceries tomorrow, after work, or thursday morning. read first chapter of vajrayana; annotated and kept taking notes.
sutric buddhism---taming natural tendencies by working against them. reducing and simplifying; ex. sitting meditation with only breathing and not thinking. tantric buddhism---focusing natural tendencies and using them. emphasis on deity yoga(?). ('here, yoga means integration,' i think was the sentence). using thoughts (meditating on a concept?), hand-gestures (mudra), chants / song (sodhana). these are two halves of the same whole.
lady wong patisserie---matcha crepe cake. will not attempt an entremet.
wrote "adventures in the hall of life."
20260427. from "cute accelerationism:"
submit to the future early enough to play a part in making it too late to turn back
todo later---finish cleaning up kitchen (oops), make overnight oats, edit scene. currently reading "doing our own thing" and "cute accelerationism," so keep reading one (or both) of those. also stretch, work on pull-up.
from "the machinist (2004)"
TREVOR: I don't use drugs. Normally I don't even drink.
IVAN: How about abnormally?
20260426. to look into---thomas szasz's "the myth of mental illness."
"it is also at this time that in popular music, crisp diction and carefully wrought lyrics become the exception rather than the norm (...)"
from "doing our own thing" by john mcwhorter. this is from the early 2000s. i'm only in the introduction, but i'm thinking of the way the escalation of his thoughts on language is obvious nowadays. the majority of the music my coworkers play has unintelligible lyrics; so much of what i hear may as well be a mumble.
from used section of local bookstore---"doing our own thing" by john mcwhorter; "vajrayana" by traleg kyabgon; "a treasury of witchcraft" by harry e. wedeck.
20260424. tomorrow morning---remember to stretch. i would love to work on doing the splits too. also clean up kitchen, take out trash, and do finance stuff. evening---continue reading demonolatry, also edit the lyric video. want to read another 1600s pamphlet but may not have energy. essay anyways. save longform video for sunday. no going out plans for sunday; you need rest.
notes on today---salmon was okay, lime-coconut salmon sounds better. work was a bitch, in a good way. had heath ice cream which was okay. re-placed amazon order; hopefully the delivery date is what it says it is. wrote vivian essay, which ended up containing most of what i thought i had to say about legally blonde.