20260901

everything is beautiful and everything is a lie.¹ i have died, in some ways, through i still strive to live, or so i continue to tell myself. i am a vehicle for words to possess. i think i am in the process of giving up. i have built myself a graveyard---why do i long to be these people who i am not? they are more coherent than i am, for one, but they are also a reflection of the time i spend fantasizing about being an internet person.

is this a fantasy i could proceed with, or is it one for me to let go of? i live in a state of wanting to copy the youtubers, but the youtubers perform for the camera. i have no audience to perform for.

ah, yes, the insubstantial life! the days blurring together; not a distinguishing marker in sight. i have reached a continuous state of half-questions: i put words together, i add a question mark, and then i write around and ignore the words entirely. there are no answers, or i have refused to produce answers.²

welp. i am a drama queen. the good news is that i caught up on both wanikani and kaniwani lessons/reviews today! i am pleased. i looked up the lyrics for ghost rule and was disappointed---the transliterations vs. lyrics from english covers aren't what i hoped they were. i remember the opening of ghost rule being "i only know how to lie / i guess i really can't dodge it this time" (probably lollia's cover). the first lines in the japanese original are "どうだっていい言を　嘘って吐いて戻れない." i can't really annotate them in the text file the way i would on a piece of paper, but here's my rough breakdown (aka this does not say "i only know how to lie," thus ruining something i was hoping i could know how to say):

• どう: (unsure)
• だって: after all, because
• いい: enough?
• 言: words
• -
嘘: lie って: you said / he said / etc. 吐いて 戻れない

too tired to finish that...today was exhausting. i had to go in an hour earlier. the day was a mess. at least everything is fine now.

¹ possible: 全てはきれいだ；　全ては人工だ。　全ては、きれいと人工だ。？？？ i went with 人工 based on Vibes. did find the phrase 嘘で固める, meaning to lie all the time...very fitting.

² possible: 私の解決が、ありません。？？？　解決 seemed like a better choice than 解答 because 'resolution' was one of the meanings of the first one. "my answers, i don't have them" is what i'm going for.

todo tomorrow

1) wanikani / kaniwani

1.5) exercise, shower, you know the drill.

2) circle theory book + review

3) ccs wk2 (finish)

...in an ideal world do week 3 as well.

4) if not work on cube club, resources, or something website

5) also clean the kitchen (b/c landlord)

20260902

i finally fixed the weird "japanese not displaying correctly in certain situations" by adding <meta charset="UTF-8"> to the header. HOORAY. also, pairing dumbbell presses with tricep extensions is killing my arms in a good way. i'm glad i swapped out dumbbell raises for laying on the floor and lifting them up instead...i definitely enjoy this motion more. also i swear my arms are feeling firmer...anywho...

20260903

"you have infinite choices" is a lie the internet has sold me. i open a web browser and am overwhelmed by resources. i could learn so much about anything, and so i know so much about nothing. everything i could want is at my fingertips, and so i have been granted the illusion of infinite choice. i have tainted myself with infinite possibilities, their vastness obscuring the handful of possibilities which are true.

yes, i could go to a library and set out to read every book on those shelves in order. yes, i could open up khan academy and set out to master the platform. (there are many platforms i can apply this logic to. see the trap?) i could open up youtube and learn to draw, or paint, or dance, or sing. i could learn every piece of solo clarinet music on imdb. i could become an expert on at-home workouts. i could be a zero-waste 'influencer.' i could be a trend-obsesser. i could watch every classic movie. i could watch anime. i could listen to these podcasts. i could master everything. i could go through courses on mit ocw, edx, coursera---whatever my greedy heart asks for that day.

and yet i don't! when i'm not being overwhelmed by the ocean of opportunities, i return to the same few opportunities. these are the "true opportunities." these are not things that i "could" or "should" be doing; more likely than not, these are the things that i am doing, or will be doing, or have done and will return to when i'm not being distracted.

true opportunities

the opportunities that someone engages with without question. the opportunities that create a genuine feeling of satisfaction. the opportunities which someone enjoys partaking in. the opportunities which someone returns to while asking themselves why they ever forsake it to begin with. i believe "true opportunities" benefit from having long-term goals / projects associated with them (high effort, high reward).

ex (personal): writing, reading, music videos.

false opportunities

these are the things that someone could or should be doing. they likely inspire a sense of guilt. these are futures that you've lost, or so you say to yourself. these are the things that you've always wanted to do but could never commit to. you probably try these every now and again, then promise yourself you'll stick to it, and then forget entirely.

false opportunities can also be opportunities that you spend time with casually. you may fantasize about dedicating the time to turn these into true opportunities. i suppose "casual" opportunities could be a better descriptor for that subset of false opportunities.

ex (personal): wine is nice and i like drinking it (casual opportunity), but i still fantasize about being someone who has studied wine and is truly passionate about it (false opportunity).

ex (personal): japanese is a casual opportunity which i am trying to turn into a true opportunity.

ex (personal): clarinet is a false opportunity. it used to be a main part of my life. i no longer engage with it, but i still fantasize about changing that.

illusionary opportunities

these are the opportunities that are planted in your mind when you're wandering through the internet. you could engage with them. good god, there's so many of them. which stance do you want to take? which have you taken? you're wasting so much time. look at all of these polymaths and how much they fit into their daily lives. you could be more like them. if only you worked hard enough, you'd be like them. you'd be skilled in every single thing you could possibly need to know, and you would be perfection incarnate.

i think that illusionary opportunities could be divided between "local" and "distant/internet." local opportunities are opportunities available in your town / city. if you wanted to be involved, there'd be an active community for them and ample opportunity for in-person experiences. examples could include participating in a makerspace, visiting art galleries, participating in the art scene, learning languages spoken in your area, participating in the dance scene, being knowledgable in local history, visiting graveyards, etc etc etc. if you're in college, or could be, classes that you aren't interested in but could take are also local opportunities.

note: internet-local opportunities could be opportunities which exist in close proximity to internet groups. for example, there is overlap between "people with personal websites" and "people who participate in pixel clubs." this makes pixel art, an internet activity, a local activity. for someone who sews and posts about it online, historical fashion communities could be an internet-local opportunity.

"distant opportunities" are, predominantly, those swathe of infinite options that are prescribed by the internet.

ex (personal, distant): embroidery is a thing i could learn to do, even though my actual interest in it is pretty low. there are many languages i could learn, but my interest in the majority of them is nonexistent.

ex (personal, local): i could learn any of the other languages spoken in my area (spanish, portuguese, cambodian, vietnamese, french), but my interest and commitment to doing so is pretty low. i would like to learn some in the future, but it is not a priority for me.

the unfortunate nature of opportunities is that they are chances for events to happen. these events are constantly shifting. the nature of these events are always in flux. the "illusionary opportunity" from five years ago becomes the "true opportunity" of today. hypothetically, one can force the opportunities to traverse their categories---if someone wanted it enough, that is.

tomorrow morning:

• finish yesterday's journal entry, or today's new one
• exercise etc. eat your breakfast!!!
• sweep room / kitchen; tidy kitchen
• wanikani + sub120 kaniwani | i spent five minutes and that was all i could stand. we'll finish up in the evening. promise? <3

evening:

• more pixels?! :D
• update finances
• read!!!
• ...maybe even do ccs?
• write.
• game for a bit too :D
• 20min work on videos

20260904

my sheer unwillingness to exist right now cannot be underestimated. i do not want to deal with anything. my todo lists seem ambitious and impossible. when my next alarm goes off, i will start out by exercising. if i half-ass exercising, i will still be fine. i am happier having done a shitty failattempt at my routine than having skipped it entirely. i can do the bare minimum.

---

and so the day has come and gone. i have been struggling. once i got home, i meandered around for a bit---i can't really say what i was doing---and then i listened to youtube videos while playing animal crossing for about 1.5hr. i've upgraded my house to the next level. my museum is filling out quite nicely; all the time i've spent on fishing has started to pay off. i've also done a better job of collecting fossils lately. i wonder when the gyroids will start showing up? oh, and i ended up on a bamboo island today! i got some bamboo shoots and planted them around my island. very exciting.

i was listening to nobuy videos while gaming. i'm definitely trying to keep my spending in-check right now. giving myself a proper budget was the right call. this gave me an extra reason to say no to purchases. first i wanted to save the 'fun money' for later in the week, and then i spent some of it, and now, well, there's a little bit left if i really want it, but i want to try not to spend it. see, that's a more interesting challenge for me than "don't buy." hopefully i can maintain that position in the future.

after that, i did catch up on wanikani reviews and lessons. i speedran the new radicals and kanji---if that's a mistake, well, i'll figure it out. i'm glad i pushed myself to do something. i also just feel blah and terrible, and that feeling undoes every single bit of progress which i could have said i made! unfortunate. i'm also pretty hungry right now. i'm on the warpath to making a few mistakes with my eating habits---i'll see how long i keep that up for. downloaded a calorie-tracking app so i know what's going on this time. aaaand i'm definitely back on my bullshit again.

started looking at wine and sake classes this morning---wtf am i doing. i am genuinely making it a goal of mine to just stick to a few interests for the rest of this month, and hopefully even the rest of the year. no, ACTUALLY for the rest of the year. all i need to keep doing is reading, writing, studying japanese, and occasionally making music videos. those are the real goals. if i want to take up a new interest / area of study, i must wait until next year. i need to stick with *something* so that i 1) feel satisfied and 2) accomplish something tangible instead of hopping from point A to point B.

today, i'd been looking at the box for a brand of curry sauce we've started using at work. the majority of the text was in japanese. i was staring at the side of of the box, thinking it'd be the "how to make this curry sauce," and began to realize i was looking at a curry recipe. i realized this because i recognized 玉ねぎ and 水, thus prompting a feeling of satisfaction THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE OBTAINED IF I'D BEEN JUMPING BETWEEN IDIOT-BEGINNER AT EIGHTY-NINE DIFFERENT SUBJECTS. see, self? stick with something, and you will feel better.

i have been slacking off on my reading this week. this is an erroneous statement. the fanfiction i'm reading doesn't feel real to me, but i also feel as if i can't start a new book until i finish it. and so i trudge forward.

what things have i been spending time on lately that prompt a feeling of satisfaction? one, reading. a good book will never fail to enthrall me. two, journalling is always satisfying, but my forays back into fiction / creative nonfiction / structured, not diary writing are more satisfying. i must take note of this and act accordingly. three, exercise?! making a list of exercises i like AND keeping track of how many reps i do has made exercise satisfying. i may not be happy with my physique, but i can see that the number of pushups i can do at once has gone from 3 --> 10 in the past month. tracking has introduced an additional challenge which i could have never obtained from following exercise videos. exercise has become something i feel compelled to try to do; i'm not seeing is as "optional" in the way other things i enjoy are.

japanese is definitely a false opportunity that i'm trying to turn into a true opportunity. my primary motivation was wanting to have a common interest with a coworker, so. that's that. however, it was something i used to have a genuine interest in (waaaay back in high school), and i have participated in adjacent activities (listening to vocaloid artists, reading manga, watching anime). i can make use of these connected interests to help turn japanese into a true opportunity. i also enjoy writing; trying to translate sentences from my diary into (terrible) japanese is a way to connect a false interest to a true interest, thus bridging the divide. a secondary motivation for turning japanese into a true opportunity is that it is fun for my brain. unlike my other interests, it requires me to actively learn new information and apply it to the world. this process is very nice and fulfilling. finally, wanikani's levels system provides a very miniscule bit of gamification---what level can i get to? how much more do i need to learn to progress? damn you, (whichever kanji/vocab i blanked on today...on this day, one of the readings for 木. i could remember き but kept forgetting もく)! i'll defeat you next time...

i've spent time on entries for pixel cliques lately. i definitely have fun working on these; i go into a state of concentration until i'm pleased with what i've made. i think this is a false opportunity for me though. it's nice to do, but it's not something i want to make a big deal out of. i will leave it as something i can do, but not something that i have to do. what else...the increase in gaming is also a false opportunity. it is fun, yes, but it should be left as an activity to BRIEFLY unwind to at the end of SOME days. if i start actively setting goals for my gaming, then my life will go downhill from there.

i have been doing a little bit of dance. this is definitely a false opportunity. i sort-of enjoy it, but i also hate working on it and trying to be good. in the future, i would like to turn this into a true opportunity; it would pair nicely with music videos, and expand my toolset. however, this will require a significant time investment as well as a significant change in mindset. it is also a skill that would require me to overcome significant lifelong deficits (my complete and utter lack of agility, my utter gracelessness, my discoordination). at the current time, setting goals for this is a distraction. it is a false opportunity and i will recognize it as such.

music videos sit at a weird place. i enjoy making them, but i always go into a weird haze for as long as it takes me to make the video. then i forget about it until the urge strikes me again. i certainly enjoy it. there are times when i enjoy the process, and there are times when i push myself through the process in the name of a final product. do these matter to me? is this a false opportunity, or is it a true opportunity? what am i trying to accomplish? i'm reaching a point where all of my current ideas require me to take myself seriously, which is the exact opposite of everything i've done so far. maybe that's why i'm halting. my current ideas also require time commitment; they're less "two-day-haze" and more "regular work for a month." uuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhh. i want to sit here and say "i'll do it all on sunday," but i know that i can't. and there's my problem.

so, without further ado, here are my goals for my true opportunities:

• reading: download 7 books each month. one from the 1800s, one from the 1900s, one tome (unless previous month's isn't finished/abandoned), one nonfiction, and three free-choice.
• writing: could i turn the cathedral into a group of short stories? where can i go with that? otherwise, push diary to the imaginative / creative nonfiction areas. recapping the day is FINE, but don't keep it as the focus.
• japanese: continue wanikani. make an anki deck for grammar points; start with the jlpt n5 stuff this month. also continue reading ccs. the challenge will be worth it.
• exercise: just keep doing what you've been doing.
• videos: [redacted].

and here are notes on false opportunities:

• makeup / beauty / skincare: one, your interest in makeup is so very minimal. you want to be "like the girls" but aren't committed. stop telling yourself you should try more and accept that nothing about wearing makeup appeals to you. your idea of "beauty" comes from your workouts more than any beauty product could ever deliver. you have skincare products that you use on a regular basis. at the end of the month, when you go back to that cosmetics store, you are allowed to buy a skincare product + a face mask. this product will be determined by a 30min doombinge the week before. literally the only part of your face that you feel self-conscious about are the black circles under your eyes. you are repulsed by the idea of wearing blush, so stop looking at it.
• dance: remember how miserable you feel every time you work on --- for more than 2min? avoid that intense feeling of self-hatred. dance is future you's problem. current you has better things to work on.
• alcohol: you can buy a bottle from --- at the end of the month.
• pixel clubs / cliques: you can't look for more to join until you've submitted to every one on your current list. don't spend more than 1hr/wk on this.
• the other website: no.
• finances: investment strategies can be a problem for next-year you. current-year you has a fine approach.
• baking: you can bake twice a month. that's it.
• spectral graph theory: why the fuck are you still wondering about this. maybe make it november you's problem.

i am tired and really want to push this update. so... *push*

20260905

waaaaaaaaahhhhhh itty bitty baby doesn't want to go to work waaaaaaaaahhhhhh i'm a fucking child. but this fucking child did make sure to exercise, read, and study japanese this morning, so at least she's not a total idiot. after work i will:

• do the new wanikani reviews + all lessons
• do kaniwani until i'm sick of it / complete reviews and lessons
• play a game for no more than 30min
• work on --- for 20min (seriously) | LOL 20min turned into 2hr.
• work on the newberry street writeup (but i'll finish/post it tomorrow)
• read for 30min (yummy)

20260906

i keep thinking it's later in the week / month than it actually is. what's there to say, to write, to do? i certainly back on my bullshit, which is to say i rejoined ---, which is to say i am hungry and varying between happy and annoyed. i am entranced by the idea that, with just a little bit of suffering, i can have a body i'm happy with. and if that body requires losing a little bit more weight---well, i'll be more than happy to provide.

i'm not sure where the time went today. i read, i exercised, i studied, i made brownies, i spent time on forums, i studied some more, i tried to read some more, and now i'd like to go to sleep. instead, i am still awake and alert, and so i'm sitting here and writing.

i am trying to remind myself of my priorities. i am trying to read and write and study and make videos. i feel like i'm a miserable person who isn't destined to feel content or happy or pleasure. do my cards say i have a future, or do they say i'm destined to rot?

• week: the dancer. self-acceptance, moving past a period of doubt. this reminds me of work. i felt like i was struggling with anxiety a lot last week. i felt unprepared to deal with genuine busytimes. i felt as if everything was falling apart and i was completely incapable of handling work. if i were to apply this to my personal life---i've been struggling with one aspect of a video that's requiring me to acquire new skills. i feel like i can't do what i want to do, but maybe i can get it done anyways.
• month: the scholar. at a dead end, needing a fresh set of eyes. when i first saw this card, i connected it to studying---the only thing i'm studying is japanese (can i please stop writing that), so maybe i'll feel like i'm hitting more dead ends this month. on the other hand, my life in general does feel like a dead end. is that going to be a theme for the next month? needing to step back and look at the overarching situation, instead of struggling with minutiae?
• year: the brawler. i won't be able to move forward without resolving the conflict. i suspect the conflict is one with myself. i asked what my future looked like---impulsive conflicts and black-and-white thinking? the need for neutral ground, and the inability to find it?

i look up at my dealer, but there is none. i'm trapped in limbo again. my eyes wander frantically, dragging my body around in our quest for the light. there is no light, no portal to drag me to a better place. i am trapped with me, myself, and i; we are terrible company.

i stare into the void. some forgotten aspect of me declares this an opportunity to exercise without constraints. how am i not constrained? i am trapped. even if fatigue hasn't set in, i still understand i have an eternity ahead of me; best to save the energy instead of impulsively spending it.

"you always were an impulsive one," says someone. i twirl around but the body is absent. "brash. rude. irrational. unthinking. i could go on, you know."

"who are you?" i whisper.

the voice chuckles. "i think you know who i am."

i shrug. i don't wish to continue this. i wish to be loved and to be beautiful. do i need an imagination? yet as i write that, i know and understand that a beauty is useless if there's no brains to associate it with. i have nothing and i am nothing. if i cannot have a neautiful body, than i must have a beautiful mind. will i accomplish anything? i have done so little and gotten nowhere. i throw myself at one dark option, knowing it could bring me somewhere terrible, and not caring about what occurs anyways.

i cannot keep doing this. i understand as much. yet nobody is to stop me from running further.if someone tried to hold a conversation with me, how would it go? i yearn for emails that never come. why would they write and why would i write. is there a need for response? are we merely partaking in our mutual delusions? i crave a shared insanity---someone to be caught up in the same web as i am, a tangled messy history. would i like someone who can shape me into something else. do i want to chase after the hope that someone can love me. do i crave something concrete, or do i merely crave the idea of emotions i've never felt before.

20260907

dreaming...at a muji with a secondhand (中古) clothing selection. my sisters and i were debating about which dresses to buy. something happened and we ran; i was the only person who took a dress with me. remember my m*ther driving us through a path in the woods. it was small and narrow and the trees were closing in on us. this continued for several minutes. i kept getting more and more anxious. finally, we emerged on some wide neighborhood street. two dog-bunnies ran by the car, then two massive collections of small bunnies that were tied together so they looked like large dinosaurs ran by. then an open truck with a shelf dividing its contents drove by. inside the truck were two very large sleeping dog-bunnies. (i would later find out they were dead).

somehow in a house. two bathrooms were connected to each other. i was trying to change into a dress i had bought, but one of my sisters kept opening the bathroom doors (the locks weren't working). she was annoyed because she just wanted to walk around the house and didn't see what the big deal was. a young woman was crying about how her pets would rather die than live in this cold house. she talked about letting them starve-freeze to death, and how it took a week for them to die. she showed us pictures. i woke up.