Determined to actually honor the wheel of the year, I made sure to do something for Ostara. I ended up referencing Llewellyn's Sabbat Essentials book on Ostara.
kitchen creations
Have I ever mentioned that I love cooking and baking? A handful of books suggested making hot cross buns, so I made scones (using KA's cream scones recipe). My plans to incorporate a variety of dried fruits were foiled by my unwillingness to keep spending money, so I only used golden raisins. These were great. The following day, I tried out the honey cake recipe from the aforementioned Llewellyn book. I was skeptical, but I shouldn't have been. The honey and orange complemented each other, and the cinnamon added an extra depth of flavor. It was moist too. I chose to use this as my offering for the Ostara ritual.
ritual / reflections
I followed the ritual from the Llewellyn book. To set up my altar, I chose to use different herbs/plants to represent each of the elements. I referenced the Cunningham encyclopedia to figure out what to use (each plant corresponds to a particular element). I used rice for earth, mace for air, allspice for fire, and hibiscus for water. Why this instead of more literal representations? Honestly, they just felt more right to me. And, for safety reasons, I am not putting a literal representation of fire on top of my altar (composed of two cardboard boxes). For my representations of the God and Goddess, I used a skull planter (for the God) and a violet plant (for the Goddess). I cast a circle based on instructions from this website---shhh, it was my first time. (I meant to follow the instructions from A Year and a Day, but I got overwhelmed. He's got a lot of detail, and I needed something more straightforward).
The actual ritual was interesting. I'd describe it as being akin to an intense meditation. The Llewellyn ritual talks about finding balance in one's life, reflecting on what's out of balance, reflecting on your perception of what's out of balance (or not), thinking about how balance plays a role in one's life, and to go forth with these things in mind.
I thought about how my work stress is out of balance. Being stressed while I'm at work makes sense; it helps balance out the positive emotions associated with work. However, the fact that I keep bringing my work stress home shows that something is out of balance. I think I'm too comfortable in my daily life. I feel safe at home. I don't want that to change, but I do need to introduce a different form of discomfort that isn't thinking about work. In other words, I need to be stressing myself out. I also thought about how my emotions are out of whack. I have intense reactions that are extremely disproportionate to whatever the hell is actually going on. I need to do a better job of reigning that in, taming it, and figuring out how to process these intense negative emotions. That's certainly out of balance.
Vowing to fix these feels significant. I hesitated while speaking. I really hate lying, so to me, everything I say out loud must be true. This means I have committed to changing these parts of my life. This is something I've said I'll do.
I like how the part of the ritual talks about supporting people who are supporting me. I want to be able to support others. And how "uncertainty is not always my enemy, but may indeed be my friend." That tripped me up---I love certainty. The thought of uncertainty benefitting me is a little frightening. Saying it out loud makes it feel more real.
Overall, I enjoyed doing this. I felt like I was a part of something. I felt like the things I was saying and doing mattered. I liked the ritual aspect of it---setting up an altar, setting up a circle, invoking the elements and the God and Goddess. That was fun! Reading the ritual out loud made it feel significant. This is doing. I felt alive and at peace. I also liked thinking about what to use as representations and what to present as an offering. This was the personal flair I needed to feel genuinely involved. I was reminded of reciting prayers in church, but this was personal and concrete, not some abstract recitation I have no say in. I liked this. I look forward to getting to do more of these.