wicca: a year and a day

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overview

While reading The Witching Year, by Diana Helmuth, I came across the book Wicca: A Year and a Day, by Timothy Roderick. Helmuth's book is a memoir about spending a year engaged in witchcraft. She references a handful of bestselling books on witchcraft, and later discusses the problems she saw with each of them. I chose to ignore her (justified) concerns and dove right into Roderick's book. His book is akin to a course in Wicca, laid out day by day. Perfect!

I've been vaguely interested in witchcraft and magick for a significant portion of my life. While I'm disillusioned with contemporary organized religion, I do see the appeal in being a part of something and finding a greater doctrine that grounds your day to day life. Witchcraft appeals to me because most of it is about being in tune with nature. Your own beliefs and experiences are important---witchcraft is an experience, something you actively engage in, and not an organized weekly lecture at your local church.

Not gonna lie, I find Wicca vaguely repulsive. I can't put my finger on why---something about the idea of the Goddess and God, altars, worship, overcomplicated rituals, or some other associations I have with it? Something about it feels dirty. That being said, my disorganized approach to learning about witchcraft has gotten me nowhere. Wicca: A Year and a Day sounded like the organized approach I need to learn something.

Over the next year and a day, I'll work through Roderick's book and document my journey here. I will occasionally reference other books. Right now, I've bookmarked Practical Solitary Magic, by Nancy Watson, The Modern Witchcraft Guide to the Wheel of the Year, by Judy Ann Nock, and The Year of the Witch, by Temperance Alden. Watson's book is another text for learning witchcraft. Both Nock's and Alden's book are about the Wheel of the Year; I'll reference them at their appropriate times.

My goals:

  1. Complete Roderick's book.
  2. Feel grounded in reality. I want to be aware of the world I live in, and not only my daydreams.
  3. Incorporate magick into my daily life. This means making magick something I practice, and not something I occasionally read about.
  4. Be able to explain my beliefs (about magick/witchcraft).
  5. Give these strange ideas a shot. I really struggle with the idea that plants, colors, etc. have meaning.
  6. Pay attention to the Wheel of the Year. I'd like to do something for each festival/holiday.

001 - 20260314

Exercise:

Sit somewhere in a natural setting: on a beach, in a forest, a field, or even in your own backyard. Breathe deeply and close your eyes.

As you sit, imagine that you have roots that extend from the base of your spine. These roots reach not only down into the earth, but out to everything on it. Imagine that this vast network of roots connects you to humans, animals, plants, objects. Take a moment to feel the pulse of your connection to the great All. Notice where your connection to things and people might be weak and where it feels strong. Spend ten minutes (or longer, if you can) simply feeling your connection. When you are finished, open your eyes. Consider the following questions:

In what way was my connection strong?
After a few minutes, I felt like I could feel the Earth's energy. At first, I thought it felt like a current that was flowing left to right, which reminded me of my tendency to organize things in a specific pattern. When something's a mess, I tend to work through the mess from left to right. As I continued to sit and sense the energy, I came to the conclusion that I was trying to rationalize the energy in a way that made sense to me. I started to feel like the energy was thrumming, or pulsating; a steady vibration without a specific direction.
What do you suspect is the reason for any strong connections?
I was focused on figuring out what I was feeling. My hands were touching the ground; when I took my gloves off, I felt closer to the Earth.
In what way was my connection to things weak?
The wind was blowing extraordinarily loudly. I felt like it was the only thing I could sense, but I could only sense it with my ears. I wasn't able to feel any specific energy from it in the way I felt an energy from the Earth. Overall, I felt like my connection to things that weren't the ground itself was pretty weak. I started to get anxious about a snake biting me, or some other animal scurrying by and hurting me without me being aware of its approach. There was an instance where I started to think I felt an energy emanating from my home, but I struggled to consistently sense it. I started to think I was trying to imagine things to sense, instead of actually sensing them. I couldn't feel a network connecting me to other living things; just the Earth herself.
What do I suspect is the reason for any weak connections?
I don't spend much time trying to sense how myself and other things are connected. I'm pretty isolated from the earth, and I'm detached from my surroundings. I'm not paying much attention in my day to day life, so I'm not surprised I was struggling to sense any connections.
What actions can I take that may strengthen any weak connections?
For one, spending less time in my head. I think incorporating this exercise into my life on a semi-regular basis would also help. This reminds me of my attempts to meditate while walking. Maybe instead of focusing on my breath, I could focus on observing my surroundings, or doing this same kind of "sensing energy" work.

Reflection: I liked this. I had a hard time focusing, but that's normal for me and meditation. I think returning to "feeling the Earth's energies" instead of returning to my breath made it easier to focus. I was looking for something. I penciled "feel the Earth" into my agenda for three days next week---I really think this would be good for me. That was the most success I've had with meditating.

Tomorrow, I need to go over the supplies list and figure out where to buy everything. I found one shop online where most of what I needed came out to $40 (including the $10 shipping). I think I could grab some stuff from target, since I'll need a candle for day three. Maybe I can save a few bucks that way, or maybe I can't. I can see how the cost is prohibitive. Incense burner? Various powdered stuff? I skimmed ahead and saw that the stuff for each month seems to get more and more elaborate. This is why I'm always so reluctant to buy into the herb associations---there's so much stuff to buy.

002 - 20260315

Questions to answer:

  1. What is my comfort level in using each word?
  2. How do I understand each word?
  3. How do I imagine that each word impacts other people who are not involved with Wicca?
wicca
  1. uncomfortable
  2. Has to do with nature, the Goddess, herbs, magic, covens.
  3. Evokes fear, misunderstanding, and mockery.
witchcraft
  1. semi-comfortable
  2. A practice that involves spellwork, typically making use of nature.
  3. Same as above---people think of hexes and evil witches.
power
  1. comfortable
  2. The energy something has.
  3. Neutral, since it's a commonplace word.
ritual
  1. comfortable
  2. A process for achieving an outcome.
  3. Makes people uncomfortable---thinking of summoning something, people clothed in black and chanting, something weird is going on.
magic
  1. semi-comfortable
  2. A way of interacting with the world's energies to achieve a desired outcome.
  3. Misunderstandings. "Magic isn't real." Thinking of fantasy worlds and people who never grew up.
occult
  1. uncomfortable
  2. Something about Aleister Crowley, the Ars Goetia, the Lesser Key of King Solomon, and summoning demons. Sort of like the science of demons.
  3. Evokes fear. Horror movies.
pagan
  1. semi-comfortable
  2. I associate pagan specifically with people worshipping the Goddess.
  3. Uncomfortable---I see people use it interchangeably with atheist. Says a person can't be trusted.
spell
  1. comfortable
  2. A way of expressing an intention to try to get results. Like a lesser version of a ritual. Probably uses herbs.
  3. Same as magic---you're doing what? Sounds cuckoo bananas.
Earth-religion
  1. comfortable
  2. People who think about the Earth in a spiritual manner. Probably thinking about the energies of things & seeing themselves as part of a greater, interconnected whole.
  3. Might make people think of hippies, vegans, and other people who are overly concerned about the Earth. It doesn't evoke fear, per se, but it does evoke discomfort.

003 - 20260316

exercise
Review the answers to yesterday's questions and look for a theme. Etch a word representing this theme into a white taper candle. Meditate on this.
notes
I was sitting at a park and meditating. Fear seemed to be a theme in my answers, so I wrote that in the dirt using a stick. I thought about the questions he asked and recognized how my fear comes from things my family members told me. I used the stick to erase the word, and then I broke the stick.
questions
What was it like to take part in this small ritual?
Peaceful. I appreciate taking the chance to think about what I wrote yesterday. I also liked thinking about what a candle-less alternative was to the ritual; the answer emerged while I was meditating in the park. I liked seeing this.
What emotions did the ritual bring up in me?
I felt annoyed at how my family's beliefs were still impacting me.
Did I “let go” of anything with this ritual?
I think I let go of some of my fear about how other people perceive me. Being interested in witchcraft does not make me a bad person; I really need to internalize this.

004 - 20260317

The exercise for today is to answer a series of questions.

Why am I exploring the Wiccan path?
I want to feel grounded in my daily life. My haphazard attempts at learning witchcraft have brought me nowhere; I want to build a useful foundation. I chose Wicca because this book sounded like a useful curriculum for my goals, and because nature-related beliefs resonate with me.
What were my previous spiritual practices?
I was raised Catholic, but I wouldn't call it a spiritual practice. It was more like a family-enforced habit.
Did any of these past practices lead me to investigate Wicca? How?
Catholicism helped me feel disillusioned with organized religion. The doctrine is too exact and abstract. I wanted something more personal that was grounded in reality.
What are my hopes in engaging in this path?
I hope that I'll feel more connected with the real world and less lost in my mind. I also hope that I'll get better at meditation.
What are my fears in engaging in this path?
That something I'll do will have dangerous consequences. It feels stupid to say this, but summoning demons and dealing with evil spirits terrify me.
How will I handle friends and family members who might not approve of my spiritual search?
n/a
Aside from transitioning to a new spiritual path, are there other major events that impact my life at this time (for example, deaths, births, divorce, job loss, etc.)?
No. My life is more tranquil than usual. This feels like a good time to make a lasting change in my daily life.

005 - 20260318

Today's exercise was a meditation on the body's energy. The instructions said to start by focusing on your solar plexus, then your chest, hips, legs, and so on until you'd sensed the energies throughout your entire body.

I was able to sense an energy in my solar plexus pretty easily. When I reached up to search for energy in my chest, I was met with a cold feeling. My chest felt slightly cut off from me---it was mine, but it was evicting me. I was able to find energy in my legs and feet though. My arms and hands were a challenge---my arms felt like they were losing circulation (figuratively, not literally), and my hands felt cut off from me. I could witness them, but they weren't mine. At this point, I started to feel like I was having an out of body experience. I kept repeating to myself that my body belongs to me, not anyone else, and was eventually able to feel like I was the one inhabiting my body.

The author recommends that, if you're struggling with this, you do it several times a day until you don't feel cut off from any areas. I suppose I'll add this to my rotation.

I've done the meditation from day 1 a few times---there's a park I walk past on my way home. I like sitting against a tree and trying to sense the Earth's natural energy. I'm struggling to shift my awareness to anything more than a yard from me---logically, there's something there, but even the tree's energy stops before the tree does. I feel more at ease.

006 - 20260319

Describe in writing your own “calling” to the Witch’s path. Take note of which of the shamanic hallmarks describe your own experience.
I am "called" to the Witch's path because I'm trying to understand the unseen forces that are a part of our/my world. While I wouldn't say I have a close relationship with nature, I would say that nature has energies which I feel. I need to understand more about what I'm sensing.
Most of the shamanic characteristics which are listed are things I do not relate to. Beyond the routine dangers of being a pedestrian, I lack near-death-experiences. I've'nt experienced the kinds of traumatic incidents which are characteristic of shamans. I lack natural magickal abilities. The worlds I move between are those of my own making. The only characteristic I relate to is understanding the underlying spiritual nature of life.
We all have characteristics of both the shaman and the madman. In what ways are you a shaman? In what ways are you a madman or madwoman?
Didn't the first question answer the ways in which I'm (not) a shaman? I don't identify with the concept of a madwoman. I've had times where I sound crazy and am describing something otherworldly, but I come back to reality.

Reflection. Something about his use of the word shaman is bothering me. I associate this with indigenous practices, which do not belong to me. I hate crying cultural appropriation, but the way he's using the word and asking the reader to identify with the word does sound like cultural appropriation. What culture?---well, that's beyond me. Wikipedia doesn't offer a clear insight into my conundrum. "The term was adopted by Russians interacting with the indigenous peoples in Siberia"---I am not from Siberia. Wikipedia cites the OED's definition: "A person regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, especially among some peoples of northern Asia and North America. Typically such people enter a trance state during a ritual, and practise divination and healing." Again, this hints at its indigenous roots. It seems wrong to apply this willy-nilly. Is there a concrete shaman religion, no. That's not it. It is a concept used to describe a variety of indigenous practices. As I am not from anywhere in particular, I don't feel comfortable forcing myself to identify with it.

007 - 20260322

Today's reading is about symbols in witchcraft. He discusses how symbols represent ideas that are beyond words; in some sense, they represent an experience. He also touches on the psychoanalytical perspective. I understand his brevity, but I wish he elaborated on this more. Chapter 1 of Practical Solitary Magic gave me a much better understanding of why symbols matter. Watson focuses on the psychological reasons why symbols matter in witchcraft. According to her, symbols are a way to communicate with the unconscious mind. Typically, our unconscious mind is something that's trying to communicate with us, and its communication is based on feelings, images, and ideas moreso than words. That's why we symbols to communicate with it.

I'm struggling to think of the sunrise or sunset as a symbol. It shows the passing of time, it marks a change or a turning, it marks the end of something and the start of something else; it illuminates some things and masks others; it's a change of place. But I'll be sure to watch the sunset tonight to answer his questions...

What did you experience internally as you witnessed this event?
From this experience, what do you imagine this sunrise or sunset could symbolize?
Now think about a symbol from a spiritual path from your past. Spend time contemplating this symbol’s meaning. What could this symbol mean for you today?

008 - 20260322

To summarize my answers, I'd say I'm split between the two styles of meditation. I think I have more luck with the Western styles of meditation which have been present in the previous meditation exercises.

009 - 20260324

Today's exercise was to notice my breathing. He talks about proper breathing, which is deeply reminiscent of my old band teachers. Breathe deep; keep your shoulders in place. Maybe breathing exercises and meditation have a bit more in common than I thought.

010 - 20260324

I had not heard of a zafu, a particular kind of Japanese / Chinese cushion known for being used in sitting meditation, before. I will not be purchasing one.

Today's exercise is "wall gazing." The point is to count breaths from one to ten. I wonder why I'm supposed to keep my eyes open, even though my gaze is "softened." Well, let's see how I fare.

I did this twice, since I didn't feel like I took it seriously the first time. Breath-counting is something I often do while walking. It helps me gain distance from whatever's stressing me out. This exercise was different because my goal was to count to 10, and not to calm down. I had nothing to calm down over.

I was surprised by how many thoughts I noticed myself having. I managed to not engage with them, but they just kept popping up. Where from? I thought about things that happened during the day, things I want to do, and things I typically think about myself. "I will never be good enough." Most of the thoughts had nothing to do with what was going on. I felt like I had more thoughts than I usually do when I do breath-counting. Maybe that's because I'm usually singularly-focused on calming the fuck down and using counting to get me there, while this was counting for counting's sake. Same process, different result. Though I did yawn...I am tired.

011 - 20260325

Today, we're learning about meditational walking. He notes that meditational walking can be part of a ritual when you're walking within a spiral design, a labyrinth, or intentionally symbolizing something. This prompted me to look for labyrinths near me---okay, there's one that I can get to. Maybe I'll do that.

The labyrinth is a universal symbol of transformation that spiritual practitioners can use to represent an individual’s pilgrimage to his or her own center point, which is the heart of divinity.

He suggests focusing on the sensations in your body that you feel while walking. Interesting...I'll have to try that. He then discusses sunwalking and moonwalking. Sunwalking is your typical brisk stroll. Moonwalking involves taking small steps ("half the length of the foot") and pausing between steps to "integrate the energy of each step you take." Uhh...

Today's exercise is determining whether I am a Sun or Moon walker based on a list of qualities.

Sun qualities: Impatient, Analytical, Logical.

Moon qualities: Contemplative, Sluggish, Secretive, Emotional.

That's 3 v. 4. I suppose my lunar qualities outshine my solar ones.

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Moonwalking - I did this over a bridge while walking home. I can see the meditative aspect of it. I felt less like I was walking and moreso like I was in a trance and happened to be moving forward. I was also annoyed because what the fuck is this. Moonwalking??? I didn't understand what I was doing. I don't like the midpoint between "sitting still" and "actively moving." This was passive movement. I am actually bothered by this.

Sunwalking - I do this every day. No notes.

Outside of the blog from someone who worked through this book, I couldn't find other mentions of moonwalking online. I couldn't find anyone else talking about what he's talking about. The closest thing that our dear enemy Google Gemini could point me to was kinhin, a form of Buddhist walking meditation where people typically walk slowly.

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Today's exercise was a guided meditation for finding your power place. Technically, I was supposed to record this. I did not. I memorized the jist of it and used that as my roadmap while meditating.

At first, I found myself in the same otherworld I was in when I was doing the deity symbol exercise from Practical Solitary Magic. I stood in that foggy, rocky world for a few minutes before I heard something say: I can't keep you here. I found myself in a rainy forest. I walked for a bit before sitting on a log. I presume this log is my power place. I felt at ease. I like the woods, and I appreciate the slight dampness in the air and the drizzling rain. This is peaceful.

I'm trying not to focus on that otherworld and the being in it. These few times I've ended up in it, I'm left with the distinct sense I'm not supposed to be there yet. In time, I'll have some understanding of what I'm experiencing, but right now, I'm too 'young' to be a part of it. Or something.

014 - 20260328

Today, we're thinking about god. He starts out by discussing how people believe that the design of the universe necessitates God. Elements of the Qabalah, which I read last night, demonstrated this reasoning. The author talked about how genesis & chariot, aka bereschith and mercavah, demonstrate that there is God which is the basis for science. I'm not explaining that well. Honestly, his jump from explaining the 32 roads of the Qabalah to how this necessitates God confused me. I did appreciate his explanation of how we can't exactly know what God is---"neither being nor a being." But back to the subject matter.

A few years back, I started to understand discussions of god as discussions of divinity. God could be seen as the sum of divinity and archetypes, archetypes being the beings we typically imagine when we talk about gods and goddesses and other divine beings. Roderick claims the divine is not a person---which I agree with---nor something "greater than" each of us. I'm not sure I understand what he means by the latter half of this. Greater than as in something that rules over us? Greater than as in something that is above and beyond us? He also says the divine is an energy which manifests through us---so an energy which we give a voice to? I'd say the divine is an energy which we are able to attune ourselves to. Onto the questions!

What images of god did you hold as a child?
I thought of statues / figurines of Jesus and Mary.
How have these childhood images influenced your understanding of the divine today?
I still think that representations of the archetypes you're working with are a necessary part of one's practice.
Are the images of god that you know actually representative of god’s fundamental nature?
Not even close.
Are images of god important? Why?
If you feel a need to attach meaning to a god and work with it, images are a way to understand it. As an aside, I'm struggling to work with his talk about images of a god. Images as in representations? Images as in our understanding?
What is the purpose of believing in deity?
I think that the purpose depends on the individual who believes in a deity / deities. For me, this would be to understand and find an underlying layer of logic to the world I'm living in.
Do we cheat ourselves at any level by characterizing god through image? Why? Why not?
I think image can constrain one's understanding of god. Image is a facet of god, but the image one is working with is not all facets. If someone is struggling to understand god, working with a facet is useful. It's a starting point, but not the end-all be-all.
Does it bother you to see the word “god” not capitalized in this book? Why?
No. God doesn't always need to be capitalized, since capitalized and not imply different meanings.
Does the word “god” need capitalization?
Context! Capitalized God typically indicates the monotheistic God, while non-capitalized ain't that. Or the capitalized version is a specific being of the idea of god.
What automatic, conditioned responses do you have in relation to words, letters, and grammatical formalities?
Grammatical formalities indicate respect.

015 - 20260329 - Divine Polarity

The very nature of spiritual energy is dichotomous. Just like electrical current, spiritual energy manifests in a natural balance of waves and troughs. It reveals itself as hot and cold, on and off, light and dark, life and death. As the Chinese say, the single energy of the universe is both Yin and Yang. Witches symbolize their understanding of this divine energy in male and female terms—as both god and goddess.

I love this explanation. His emphasis on various dichotomies helped me immediately see how the god and goddess are expressions of spiritual energy. I kept thinking of them as beings, which was making me uncomfortable. Framing them as the two parts of divine energy helped everything click into place. Now I see what the god and goddess mean. They aren't specific beings; they're two aspects of one whole.

Notes to self---I don't know much about Yin and Yang; could be something to read about. Also, what was that book about the Wiccan god? I think the author's last name started with an F, and it had a green cover. I want to read that too.

I think he's saying that "as above, so below" means nature ("so below") is an expression of the divine ("as above"). It's a way of saying that they're connected.

Look at the brief guide to polarity above. As you consider the very short list of god and goddess energy attributes, what other words might you add to both sides of the list? Take time now to develop a more comprehensive list for yourself.
god: unyielding, uncompromising, outward, scientific, hard-headed.
goddess: bending, inward, artistic, emotional, reflective.
Take out paper and pen and make a list of qualities that represent your “god” energy. Then make a list of qualities that represent your “goddess” energy.
god: active, fiery, impulsive, direct, square.
goddess: female, moon, passive, internal, (day)dreaming.
Review both lists to determine if you seem to express one side of the divine polarity more than the other. Which aspect do you most express in your daily life? Which energy gets least expressed in your daily life?
I spend a lot of time in my head, which seems to correlate to goddess energy. When I'm around other people, I can be much more active---for better and for worse---which correlates to god energy. As an aside, writing out god(dess) energy feels like some tiktok spirituality thing. I don't like it.

016 - 20260330

Today, we're continuing to think about the sun, moon, and divine polarity. The sun is part of the god aspect, and the moon is part of the goddess aspect. He asks us to think of our life in four categories---thoughts, activity, feelings, body---and reflect on if our energy in each category is more solar or lunar.

thoughts
"Active, lively, direct, hot-headed" certainly describe my train of thought. To myself, my thoughts are logical, but nobody else understands my logic. (As evidenced by the number of people who say I make no sense & don't see why I do things the way I do). Well, others don't matter here. I do demonstrate some moon qualities here---introspective, insecure, and moody also describe me. Overall, though, I'd say my thoughts are more solar than lunar.
actions
Lunar, almost certainly. Okay, let's think this through. When it comes to my personal life, I'd say I'm timid, passive, and receptive. I'm the opposite at work---I stay on top of what's going on, I'm proactive, I certainly have a confident streak...and I'm hot-headed. In both areas. I'd say my default actions are lunar, but I'm able to tap into my solar qualities when the situation calls for it.
feelings
I've got a lot of them. My feelings seem circular, moody, emotional...and very, very lunar.
body
I'm not sure how the solar/lunar dichotomy applies to the body. My body exists. It's a neutral vessel. It contains myself, which demonstrates solar and lunar aspects, but it is neither solar nor lunar.

017 - 20260401

Today's reading is about paying attention to the cycles of the sun and moon. He recommends checking an almanac on a regular basis. I've added widgets to my phone screen for the wheel of the year and the phases of the moon.

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Today's reading is about the maiden aspect of the goddess. He lists a few examples of maiden goddesses who were unfamiliar to me---Tana (Italian?), Electra, Branwen.

Correspondences:

Today's exercise is to think about the positive and shadow maiden qualities in myself. Okay. Positive qualities: interest in new beginnings, my creativity. Shadow qualities: immaturity, lack of direction.

019 - 20260402

Today's exercise was to meet your inner maiden and learn what qualities you need to develop to access her powers. Put simply, this did not go well for me. I considered going to find flowers, as the exercise says, but chose to use a plant I have. I felt at ease. I struggled to find myself in a field, as I was told to do. I tried to envision a peaceful field at dawn; while I knew it was dawn, the sky was cloudy, the rain was approaching a downpour, and the wind was violent. I called out for Kore, but was approached by Ariadne. I was not familiar with Ariadne. She passed me flowers--- yellow tulips, blue hydrangeas, and bright red hyacinths---and said that my mind was a turbulent place; if I follow the darkness, it will swallow me. I asked her what she meant, and she said I'd learn in due time. She also told me that I do not/will not know the light. I said I was supposed to learn about what maiden qualities I need to develop; she said she had nothing to teach me, because I am a/the maiden. I called out for Kore again and saw Persephone in a flash of light; the ground fell out from under me and I found I'd landed in the Underworld. H--- stood before me. I was frightened. He repeated Ariadne's message, and added that when the time comes, he will be there for me. I saw Persephone behind him. He handed me pomegranate seeds and said to choose wisely.

It seems as if every 'meditation' I do leads me to a dark place. I guess that says enough about my mental state. Despite my efforts, I'm not in as good of a place as I want to be. Is this an omen? Should I disengage from the stuff I'm trying to do? I don't know. I want to understand what's going on. "The only way out is through"---maybe this is my best path.

Ariadne seemed fitting because of her connection to the story of the Minotaur and the labyrinth. Hah! House of Leaves must follow me.

Yellow tulips --- hopeless love. Hydrangea --- perseverance, understanding Hyacinth --- playfulness, rashness. (from Flowerpaedia, by Cheralyn Darcey). Are those qualities I need to work on? I fear I engage in all of them.

020 - 20260403

Today's exercise was a meditation I was supposed to do an hour before dawn. I set an alarm. I got up. I could not bring myself to look at his meditation---the urge to not do it was far too strong. I did not want to utter sounds and then meditate for 15-20min while my consciousness is realigned. Instead, I tried to do a normal meditation that involved directing my attention throughout my body...and then I fell back asleep.

021 - 20260404

Today, I'm learning about the "magical pass" used to invoke the maiden energy. This involves making a square with my index fingers and thumbs, and placing that square in front of my genitals while standing to face the northeast. What energies did this invoke?---disgust, revulsion. I tried to stand with it. I counted, trying to force myself to hold it for a few more seconds. I do not have the words to describe how sickened I felt.

While I was able to find some information that referenced magical passes online, I failed to easily find information directly pertaining to what's in Roderick's book.

022 - 20260405

Today, I'm practicing invoking the maiden. While doing the magical pass, I recited the invocation. Then I closed my eyes and pictured the orange candle I was supposed to have lit, and imagined the scent of the myrrh I was supposed to be using as incense. (Thanks, internet, for being able to describe the scent: woody and sweet). I was able to hold a picture of these in my mind. For a moment, I felt at ease. I noticed a warm, friendly presence. Then I remembered the maiden and felt an intense sensation of discomfort. The presence withdrew. I continued to sit with this feeling until I felt like I was about to be ill. While sitting, I tried to reach out and ask why I felt so sick---the response I received: this is not for you.

I am really struggling with these few days of learning about the maiden aspect of the goddess. I feel as if I'm being told not to. I'm going through the motions---after all, I told myself I would continue through this book. I want to respect the author's intentions and give Wicca an honest chance. I am aware that some parts of this book are a reflection of the author's personal gnosis; overall, Wicca is a pretty individualized practice and every practitioner has a unique practice. I am not going to blindly dismiss information. I will give every day an honest shot. But damnit, this is not working for me right now. Why? What's the problem?

023 - 20260406

Moving on from the maiden aspect and investigating the mother aspect. She represents growth, maturity, compassion, understanding, and actualization of creativity. Her dark aspect is smothering, encouraging dependence on others, and self-serving compassion.

Correspondences:

The exercise, like for the maiden, is to contemplate my positive and shadow mother qualities. Positive---I'm working on maturity and understanding. Emphasis on working on it. My creative ideas do bear results, though. Shadow qualities---I don't think I demonstrate these. The shadow qualities rely on how I interact with other people, and I don't do enough of that. I'm not good at being compassionate, so I doubt I act on self-serving compassion.

I can't shake how much I dislike this. I am repulsed by the idea of a mother; I want to get away from it. I don't know how I'll handle these exercises when I so don't want to do them. The mother, to me, is an evil, nagging, manipulative figure; everything in her life is subject to her feelings.

20260408

Attempted to meditate outside. After 2min, a wasp approached me.

20260409

Did the body scan meditation from one of the earlier days. I noticed I had a hard time connecting to my left arm; it's like I was stopped at the elbow. When I was able to forge a connection through my left hand, it was faint and flickering, and eventually diminished. The body scan didn't feel as dissociative as it did before. Once I reached the top of my head, I felt whole again.

Did the lesser invoking ritual of the pentagram again. To me, this feels like a grounding exercise. I think I want to develop a better understanding of the symbolism of it. Gotta do more than just going through the motions.