practical solitary magic

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thoughts and notes on Practical Solitary Magic, by Nancy Watson.

books referenced

which sound like books I want to look into. Noted in order of appearance.

exercises

exercise 1: positive energy affirmation
This exercise focused on affirming positive energy.
While doing the meditation, I did start to feel an intense positive energy. It was wonderful and vibrant. I felt myself believing the affirmation I was told to say---I am a creative center which gives off benefits to everyone. I have a lot of negative beliefs about myself, so I was surprised by how easily I was able to slip into a different mindset.
exercise 2: receptivity affirmation
In this exercise, you're supposed to lift up your arms, with your palms facing the sky and your chin tilted up, and state: "I am totally open and receptive to [fill in the blank]."
This felt so cheesy. I was reminded of the scene in Let's Play where Sam is told to say what she likes about herself. I'm struggling to see myself as receptive to energy. I started to feel like I was genuinely open to whatever I was saying, but my mind was very quick to shut down most of what I had to say. I kept twisting my words into something that I could believe. I'm kind of disappointed by how limited my beliefs are.
appendix b: personal symbol
In this exercise, you rewind to the moment of your conception, and then move back towards the present. As you move towards the present, you note any important events and make a knot on your figurative silver cord to represent them. I do not want to do this. I have been trying to forget my past, and I do not want to remember it. But I will give it a shot.
After tying the ends of the cord together, the void I stepped into turned into a bubble I was trapped in. Do I need to break out? I felt boxed in, claustrophobic, and anxious. Is this for my own safety? Am I doing something wrong? Is a bubble in a void my personal symbol? I continued to sit and struggle with it. Various other images came to my mind unbidden; I did not engage with them. I felt anxious. Eventually, though, the bubble gave way to a dark forest in the moonlight. A deer emerged; I'm certain it was a stag, but it kept flickering between being male and female. Odd. It urged me to climb onto its back. I didn't want to, until a bear came running after us. I got onto it and we rode off into the distance. Fuck, I sound like a hippie...
appendix b: god/goddess symbol
The stag refused to be near it. It is not of this realm, the shadowy figure told me. I asked if it was Hades or Ereshkigal; it said I would know its name when the time was ripe. It held a torch and offered me a box. I refused the box. It nodded, and was seemingly content with this. I did not feel like it was offended by this. For some reason, I thought this box was Pandora's. All I could see was what ills would come from it. I asked where we were; it said the other world. This place was clouded by mist. I was reminded of the scene from A Christmas Carol where Scrooge meets death. When it let me go, the stag reappeared as baby, then 'popped' into its adult form. We walked off.
I think the symbol is the torch. I don't know where these images came from. I felt intimidated and unsettled by the being's presence. I was encroaching on some older being who was a bit frightening. I wonder what else I need to know. I got the sense that I wasn't ready to learn more from it.